I think we’ve known each other long enough that it’s safe for me to show you something: my underwear.

This isn’t that big of a step for us, really, when you consider that you’ve already seen me in a bikini. But seriously, this is (or was, anyway) my underwear, wrapped around hard-boiled eggs. Allow me to tell you the (cotton)tale.

A few years ago, I saw these lace-patterned Easter eggs in Martha Stewart Living, and I immediately wanted to make them. I went to the thrift store and searched through about a hundred lace doilies and tablecloths, trying not to think about the fact that they were probably donated when the little old ladies who owned them died, and found just the right pattern.

And then Joe accidentally threw it away, along with a sequin top and hideously gaudy wedding dress I bought to wear for Halloween that year — that was especially troubling, because it was only $12 and it would’ve been perfect for the costume I was planning. As it turned out, the costume was a bit too politically-incorrect (even for a night of sin like Halloween), so it was probably a blessing in disguise that Joe mistook the plastic bag it was in for garbage.

Anyway, I didn’t discover that the lace was missing until the eggs were boiled, the dye was prepared, and the rubber bands were at the ready, waiting to hold the lace in place around the eggs. This led to a frantic search around the house, culminating with an exciting discovery at the back of my underwear drawer. It’s nice when you find exciting things at the back of your underwear drawer. Keeps life interesting. And it makes egg-dyeing way more fun.

I’d found a naturally-sourced egg-dyeing kit at Williams-Sonoma; considering the fact that I was already planning on how I would eat the eggs as soon as they were photographed, I wasn’t too keen on the idea of ingesting my yolks with a side of chemicals. The dyes are made using things like turmeric, purple potatoes, and red cabbage. I tried looking for them online again this year, but alas, they were nowhere to be found (though I’m sure there’s an equally hipster version of them elsewhere in the world).

Like most of my Martha Stewart experiments, this one didn’t go totally according to plan. For some reason, the orange-dyed eggs didn’t take on the lace pattern at all; luckily, it came through on the blue and purple ones.

As it dried, the lace pattern took on an almost snake-like appearance, which Joe dug — it made the eggs more manly, I guess. Because apparently it’s not eggceptable for a man to enjoy Easter eggs unless they look like snakes or some other form of reptile.

But I digress.

I did a lot of research before taking this project on. This was a Martha craft, which meant that no matter how easy she made it look, it was bound to end with me either bleeding or crying or both. I’m happy to report that the only thing that bled was the purple dye, all over the countertop (my fault, not the product’s).

I had to gather the lace and twist it really hard before securing it with a rubber band. This ensured that the lace was tight enough around the egg to seal it off — for the most part. It helped to remember that the eggs were boiled, so I could apply extra pressure without fear of a making a yolky mess.

I also made sure the water was nice and hot when I mixed the dye, and I left the eggs in there for a full 15 – 20 minutes.

No, my eggs didn’t turn out perfectly, but they weren’t a total failure, either. I’m pretty sure that the only place we’re bound to see perfection is within the pages of a magazine. In real life, a few blotches here and there aren’t such a big deal.

Overall, this eggsperience greatly eggceeded my eggspectations.

Okay, I’m done with the puns now.

Just yolking.