Evolving Values

We’ve talked Values before.

Five years ago, I took Tiffany Han’s “30 Days to Flow” class and spent time identifying my top 10 Values — the things that make me tick. The things I feel when I am at my most aligned, most invigorated, most connected, most content.

This month, I’m starting my third round of Tiffany’s year-long Grown-Up Gap Year (GUGY) program. The first month’s theme? Values.

We did the same value-identifying exercise that I did in 30 Days to Flow. The same value-ranking exercise.

The thing is … my list is almost completely different than the one I made in 2018.

It’s counterintuitive to think that one’s values could shift so dramatically. You hear the word “value,” and you think of a fundamental, unwavering quality. And when you picture someone whose values have changed so dramatically in just five years, does that person you’re picturing seem stable and solid? Or does that person perhaps seem … flaky? Shaky? Unreliable?

Is it just me? Am I totally projecting my own worries and self-consciousness about why my values have changed so much? That maybe it means that I’m unstable? I’m shaky?

Well, I mean, I have been shaky the last couple of years. A pandemic and a nervous breakdown will do that to a girl.

Let’s dig a little deeper. First, you need to see my values:

So different, right? Creativity went from the #2 spot to the #10 spot, which felt really weird at first. I’m a writer, after all — and I make art on a semi-regular basis, be it creative journaling or sticker-laden bookmarks. How could Creativity end up so low on my list?

Tiffany directed us to “simmer” in our values for a few days — to sit with them, try them on for size, see how they feel.

How did I feel? Itchy. Uncomfortable. My 2023 Values felt like a wool sweater that I’d knit in a fit of unchecked optimism. I’d felt so good making the list — like I was really tuning into myself. But then, when I snapped out of my meditative reverie and found myself sitting on my IKEA couch in my tiny condo living room, I felt really uncertain about what had come forth.

I messaged Tiffany about it. “They feel … wobbly,” I said.

“Tell me more!” she replied.

“I don’t like the order. I also find it really odd that Faith is on the list and so high — because I don’t feel like my faith is strong. How can something I value so highly feel so weak?”

(Quick side note: In GUGY-land, “faith,” doesn’t necessarily mean religious or spiritual faith. And that’s definitely not what it means to me, for the purposes of my values. For me, Faith is trust that things will work out — trust that I am doing okay, even if things feel wobbly or impossible.)

She asked more questions. “What do you not like about the order? Does it feel wrong or just unfamiliar?”

“I’m not really sure how I arrived at that order. Looking at it now, outside of the space I was in when I did the ranking, it feels … challenging. I want to say ‘impossible’ or ‘implausible’ but that’s not very faith-filled LOL.”

I sat with it more. And I sat, and I sat, and I sat. Sitting is so uncomfortable, by the way. And then, in the sitting, it came to me — the sitting was the key! The nothing’s-happening was the key!

My Top 3 Values — Grace, Faith, and Wholeheartedness — don’t feel “actionable” enough. How do I know if I’m “gracing” or “faithing”? How the heck do you quantify that? What will I have to show for it, in my hands, when I’ve done it?

Look at my 2018 Values. Joy? A smile. Creativity? A piece of art. Humor? A laugh. First comes A, then comes B. They felt more concrete, more realistic to achieve.

But Grace? Faith? Wholeheartedness? They felt amorphous. Like trying to grasp a cloud and tie a bow on it. Writing a big green checkmark on a conglomeration of water vapor and air.

The two lists felt lopsided. The 2018 list started off light, then got deeper. The 2023 list was the opposite. It started off with the deep stuff — the really-hard-to-nail-down, really-hard-to-achieve…

Oh.

It’s the tree. It’s the gosh-dang tree metaphor.

We talk a lot about trees in GUGY. How you have to have your roots before you can have your trunk, and before you can have your branches. The things highest on my 2023 Values list are the root Values — the ones that, when they are firmly a part of me, make the rest of my list even easier to achieve, and shine brighter when I achieve them.

Let’s take Creativity, #10 on my 2023 list. Sure, I could pull out my stickers and paints and washi tape and write a card to someone at a moment’s notice, and yes, it would technically be a moment of creativity, in that I would be literally creating something out of something else.

But if I pull out my stickers and paints and washi tape and write a card to someone while having FAITH that it will turn out exactly how it’s supposed to, and giving myself the GRACE to follow my instincts in creating it, and putting my WHOLE HEART into the process, and thinking about the person I LOVE while I’m writing a card to them, and staying CURIOUS about how the project will turn out in the end …

That is the kind of Creativity I want in my life.

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Now, back to that 2018 Values list.

I see that list now, and I want to take 2018 Elizabeth in my arms and tell her everything will be okay. Because in hindsight, I know why she valued Joy and Creativity and Humor highest on her list — it’s because she was desperate to have them in her life.

2018 Elizabeth was becoming entrenched in a job she wasn’t passionate about.

2018 Elizabeth was estranged from her mother.

2018 Elizabeth’s husband was grappling with grief by drinking and withdrawing.

2018 Elizabeth’s life wasn’t turning out the way she’d hoped it would.

2018 Elizabeth was looking everywhere except inside herself for the Thing That Would Make It All Better.

My 2018 Values were focused on the things the world would see first — that I would see first. The quick fixes, the easy Instagrams, the fastest way to convince my struggling, scared, wounded self that I. Was. Okay.

But the thing is, I wasn’t okay. And I didn’t have enough experience with Grace or Faith or Wholeheartedness to know that I would ever be okay. I was trying to grow the branches of my tree when my trunk was scarred and my roots were in desperate need of water.

And I graciously, faithfully, wholeheartedly forgive myself for trying to do that.

I wanted the “actionables.” Just as I was tempted, with my 2023 Values list, to alleviate my discomfort by reconfiguring the list to make my values more visible. People only ever see the branches, right?

But I’m more than just my branches. Branches break, oh so easily. They splinter or get struck by lightning or bow under heavy weight or strong wind.

Somehow, magically it seems (magic is definitely involved, but so is a heck of a lot of work), my 2023 Values list is focusing on my roots. Watering my soul. Nurturing my heart. Loving myself and my people and my world with my whole heart.

And I am so freakin’ excited to get started.