Hummingbird Breaths

I had an interesting epiphany during the latest Grown-Up Gap Year (GUGY) call.

Okay, maybe two.

The feeling of failure is even worse when you’ve taken the time to document it in your bullet journal. | Photo by Prophsee Journals on Unsplash

The first was on the topic of the Perfect Morning Routine — something I’ve tried to accomplish for many years now. Two main things have gotten in my way:

1. I am not a morning person. Despite rowing crew for four years in college, which required me to wake up at 5 AM every day, any time I’ve consistently risen at that hour since college, I’ve gotten sick. Not the first day, or the second, but by the third day of rousing that early, I spend the entire day feeling nauseated and like my entire system is off.

2. All-or-nothing thinking. Ah. Hello, old friend. So let’s say I get over the need to wake up at 5 AM, and I wake up at a much more amenable hour. That’s when I will inevitably “fail” because I will wake up one morning lacking either the energy or the inclination to do my official “Morning Routine” list. I’ve played around with all sorts of combinations: reading, exercise, meditation, journaling, art … as soon as I fail to do something on the list, my all-or-nothing voice convinces me to drop the whole practice.

In recent weeks, I’ve experimented with not having a morning routine at all — making a lack of a routine my routine. It’s made me very uncomfortable. I feel like the sky is going to fall at some point while I’m over here being positively unscheduled. It’s also made me very happy. Unless I have an appointment or meeting which requires the setting of an alarm, I wake up naturally and I do whatever I’m inclined to do in the moment. Most mornings, it’s a slow wake-up: coffee, piddling around, getting dressed, playing Words with Friends on my iPad. Eventually, I feel awake enough to start work.

I shared all of this on the GUGY call. I proudly proclaimed that, even though it was making me uncomfortable because of my fear that the world will one day fall apart because I don’t have my Perfect Morning Routine, I was going to keep experimenting with not having one.

Then, Tiffany (the leader) reminded me: “Aaaaaaand … you have never had a Perfect Morning Routine, and the world hasn’t fallen apart.”

Oh.

Yeah.

She was right.

Epiphany #1: During all of that time I spent trying to have a Perfect Morning Routine, I didn’t have one — and the world didn’t fall apart. The only thing that’s actually changed is my perception of the need to have a routine in the first place. The lack of a routine is still consistent — but the trying is gone. That is what I’m actually afraid of — losing the sense of control I feel by persevering and being resilient and never giving up. Who am I if I’m not constantly trying?

I guess I’m the same person I always am.

I cracked up at Tiffany’s comment. At the same time that this was all hitting me, I felt the huge sense of responsibility for The World Not Falling Apart exit my body. (Side note: Who decided that was my job in the first place??)

A little later on in the call, Tiffany was talking about taking a moment to breathe. And then I realized that I never breathe. I mean, I always breathe, obviously, or I’d be dead, but you know what I mean — the pausing to breathe. Do nothing but breathe and be.

What kind of society do you live in when you need a sign like this? | Photo by Max van den Oetelaar on Unsplash

I realized that the only time I “breathe and be” is when I go to my acupuncture appointments. And then I realized that I’ve been entirely crediting the acupuncture appointments for the release of physical tension and emotions that I didn’t even know were there, instead of the fact that the acupuncture appointments give me a dedicated time to just — say it with me — breathe.

I’m not knocking acupuncture — it is 100% the reason my nervous system is more regulated than it has been in my entire life. However, I think I’ve been discounting the breathing opportunity it provides. Because when, during that GUGY call, I looked out my window and just breathed for three breaths, I was able to manifest sensations similar to those I get during acupuncture:

• Release of tension in the shoulders

• Relaxing of the belly

• Peaceful grounding

• Connection to the earth and the universe

Three breaths, y’all.

Okay, my brain said to me, right there in the middle of the call. Now you know you need to breathe, so we must establish the Perfect Breathing Routine!!

Dammit.

Someone voiced a similar concern, and we all talked about it — do you set a timer to go off at regular intervals during the day? Get an app that will remind you to breathe?

None of that felt good to me. All of the suggestions felt like pressure to Do More and Do It Perfectly. (Note: That is not GUGY-created pressure, GUGY is quite the opposite. That is me-created pressure, and one of the many reasons GUGY is so good for me.)

And then, one of our hummingbirds came up to the feeders outside my window and started drinking. And it hit me: I already make it a point to pause and watch them whenever they come to us. I recognize how precious the time is.

What if I … Could I … ? Yes, this feels good.

When I see the hummingbirds and do my typical pause to take it in, I will make a point to breathe, too. Feed myself while they feed themselves.

Hummingbird breaths. For however long they visit. It could be ten seconds. It could be a minute-and-a-half.

It is a reminder. It is a start. It is enough.

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If you’d like a breathing moment, here’s a video of one of our hummingbirds visiting the feeder: